So there’s this girl who didn’t play kickball with everyone during recess because she’d rather be doing some extra credit assignment she had volunteered to do or she was too busy reading the newest addition of National Geographic magazine. That was her idea of fun. While others surrounded themselves with friends and the latest fashions, she was perfectly content with the comforts of her studies, learning was the highest of her passions. Her success in school and the never-ending enhancement of her intelligence was what she had valued most. She thought of her mind as if it was a library. A library that was under constant renovation, constant improvement. It was her responsibility to fill the library with an overflowing amount of books and knowledge. She felt as if she had more books in her library than most of the other kids at her school, and she was proud of that. She was exceptionally smart, she was the “nerd” with few friends, but she was happy. Up until middle school, that had been my whole life. I was the girl who loved science instead of shoes, read scholastic catalogs instead of magazines.
When my elementary school days came to end, things started to change, starting with my address. After living in North Carolina, stranded in the country for way longer than I would deem healthy, 5 years to be exact, I moved here to Hawaii. Getting out of the cornfields was one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me, I was thrilled. For the first two years in Hawaii, I was homeschooled. Those two years I felt as if I was sheltered from the rest of civilization, I didn’t have many friends, didn’t get out much. So without much to say about my middle school years, it was pretty uneventful. But middle school also came without transition.
Going from a small home schooling environment to a public high school with over two-thousand students, I had no idea what to expect. And the best image of high school I had put together in my head was a compilation of High School Musical and Hannah Montana, if that tells you anything about my cluelessness coming into high school. I came into high school with an all too much naive perspective on how it was supposed to be. I was expecting cheery teenagers that would all get along tremendously well, and they’d all be into getting good grades and I could go on with a long list of completely unrealistic expectations I had of high school. In short I was very unprepared for what was to come.
The first day of my freshman year, my mom dropped me off at 8:05, not too early, but early enough to wander around campus completely unaware as to what to do or what any of this was. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of people surrounding me, I felt afraid and excited at the same time, and I didn’t know which feeling to act off of. I didn’t know how to act around all these people, or how to talk to them. Basically, the first couple months of my freshman year were some of the most awkward, uncomfortable, and clueless months I’ve had. Being on the outside, I saw everyone with their friends; they knew where to go and who they were going to be with. Still wandering alone during breaks, I started to feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt. Along with the feeling of loneliness, I also experienced a huge loss of motivation. I used to be able to study all day and all night for a test, and suddenly it was hard for me to even turn in my home work on time.
Half way into the year, people had begun to tell I wasn’t being myself. My self-esteem had hit rock-bottom, I distanced myself from a lot of things I was previously highly involved with. My parents would constantly have their concerned conversations with me, informing me of my poor decisions, telling me how much better I can do. Even some of my closest friends would talk to me about how I wasn’t being myself. I had tried so hard that year to be like everyone else, tried so hard to conform to the majority. Being myself was completely out of the question at that point, I mean we all know where the nerds end up, you can see them playing ninja in front of the school library. Anyways, I had somehow gathered the notion that my nerdy ways, along with my other odd attributes, were faults, and I made it a mission to be less like me and more like other people. The year had been filled with many mistakes on my part, and I was long due for a summer break.
The first week of summer had been nothing but a long stay-cation in my bed. But there was something to come in the second week of summer that was going to impact me a lot more than I expected it to. HiPac teen camp 2013, a church camp my denomination hosts every summer. I had gone to the camp the previous year, and at the time I honestly didn't think it lived up to the hype everyone was claiming it to be. But this year's camp went beyond any of the expectations I had. A week being surrounded by the serenity of nature and some of the best and most genuine people, it was just what I needed. Part of the overall message of the camp was overcoming some of the obstacles that can get in the way of your goals and knowing what'll help get you there. Part of what the speaker spoke of was the effect you allow people to have on you. I remember being in the sanctuary, everyone's attention was focused on Pastor Cory. From the people crying with their heads down at the alter, to the people in the back, you could feel the sense of unity in the air. And I came to several realizations.
As he was talking and giving his sermon, I realized that nothing is waiting for me. Time is not going stop and wait for me to get better, for me to get back on my toes. Everything is continuing on, without me. And it’s my responsibility to get back where I was with things and get over being sad. It’s my future. All this time I had been giving others so much of myself, trying so hard to please and be like them. But if I was going to make something great out of what’s to come, I might as well be me. Other people and there opinions aren’t going to get me where I need to be, and it was time I stopped holding onto other’s thoughts of me.
After camp, I felt dedicated and motivated to get back on track. After realizing so many of these things, I was ready to make a change in my ways and attitude. I became more confident in who I was, I didn’t feel the need to change for anyone anymore. A couple weeks past, and school started. It hasn’t been much time, so there’s not an ample amount of evidence to my change, but I can’t wait to add more to the list. I don’t procrastinate like I did last year, I’m working so much harder to do well in everything I do. I’m getting more involved with things I really enjoy, and more involved with school. After last year, I’m ready to bring back the books and the hard work, and get back on track. Because after all, my future is up to me, and I better do something good with that.
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